Kaleidoscope World (ctan's random musings)

[ctan]

Then the reasons for him to keep in pace slowly fades like a passing wind from a distant place. "Will this be my destiny?" said the man as his heart falls at the bottom of the sea. Unfortunately, no one responded. No one dares. No one, really, dares.

[marvinofthefaintsmile]

I was looking at ctan's thread to look for some anti-depresant pill. But I saw his thread and was like.. Well, anyway. I read it.. But it didn't click any sense on me.. Prang motor na me clutch at ayaw mag-start..

[ctan]

^^ what kind of anti-depressant pill are you looking for marv?

[marvinofthefaintsmile]

one for mild depressions.. Dysthymia..

Is this over the counter na pill? As far as I know eh prang birth-control pill ang approach sa knya.. Hinde kagad xa tatalab and it'll take like weeks bago umepek ung gamot.

[ctan]

why? is your depression prevailing? do you find it hard to appreciate humor?

do you have these?
- poor appetite or overeating
- insomnia or hypersomnia
- low energy or fatigue
- low self-esteem
- poor concentration or difficulty making decisions
- feelings of hopelessness

are there times you are hyperactive?

[Lakandula]

-self pity

[ctan]

^^ you think so? what's your impression Lakandula?

[marvinofthefaintsmile]

why? is your depression prevailing? do you find it hard to appreciate humor?

do you have these?
- poor appetite or overeating - nope
- insomnia or hypersomnia  - sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night. Around 3-4AM then try to sleep again.
- low energy or fatigue  - sometimes, but I drink coffee to counter that
- low self-esteem  - I already somewhat conquered this.
- poor concentration or difficulty making decisions - sometimes specially if there are prevailing things in my head like problems.
- feelings of hopelessness - there were times like this.

are there times you are hyperactive?

Well, I try to reminisce and look back at the past.. And somewhat I have figure out that I am not happy since I was 6 or 7 (Biruin mo, 20 years naqng sad. I need to solve it now.). My hint to that is I always say 'Kay sarap mabuhay..' when I was very young.. Then I recall the last time I said that.. Also around 6-7 nag-start na din ung sexual experiences ko (kya expert naq ngyn, hehehe.). Also nag-start na din n laging makulimlim at umuulan sa mga panaginip q. And the thought of 'death' eh nagkick-in na. Then I realize na the world is filled with despair and endless struggles. It's like prang u r in a war.. pero wala k nmng kaaway.. I'm not sure if ur familiar with that feeling.

Today eh ok namn.. Pero as usuall eh generally gloomy ang bawat araw q. Hinde nmn xa to the extreme like severe na ung depression pero prang so-so lang.. Pero sad pa dn aq. Me mga times nmn at night though rare eh sudden sad thoughts enter my mind.. Then I start to cry for no valid reasons. And it's stupid, Hehehe.. I entertain the crying moments because I know I'll feel better after.

I also have consulted sa psychiatrist dun sa previous company and it somewhat made me feel better pero the sad thoughts didn't left me. I didnt take any medications that time.. And siguro kailangn n ng anti-depressant para mki-alam at for somewhat ma-stabilize ang mga chemicals sa aking katawn..

[marvinofthefaintsmile]

-self pity

I suggest you go visit other threads. This is a discussion between me and the doctor. So I'd like to ask you to stop replying. This is our moment, ok.

[ctan]

^^ better nga if you see someone, for regular talks. siguro think of things na lang din na always may light at the end of the tunnel. its just that maybe your tunnel is long enough to cause you chronic feelings of despair. but do you find it hard to appreciate humor? are there times you are hyperactive?

[marvinofthefaintsmile]

^ Well, I appreciate humor. The incognito-kuya otipeps exchange of replies makes me laugh sometime. I even laugh in a 'knock-knock' joke.

hyperactive... I'm not sure if I became hyperactive.. kase wala aqng narerecall n hyperactive aq.. Hmm.. pero how do u define 'hyperactive' base on our case? Baka dq lang nagets.

[ctan]

hyperactive... yun bang masyado kang madaldal and then minsan kapag nagsasalita ka, di mo pa tapos yung topic mo may biglang papasok sa isip mo tapos yun na ang pag-uusapan... mga ganun. o kaya yung kelangan may gagawin ka parati, etc.

most of the day, how do you describe it? gloomy ba? or masasabi mo na okay lang. neutral. not sad, not happy.

[marvinofthefaintsmile]

^^well, kung bout sa flight of ideas.. yes. Pero recently, ang mga conversation q is around 70% about motorcycle-related topics.

well usually gloomy aq on my way to the office.. Mga around 6-7AM. tpos gloomy ulet after launch, around 2-3 PM.. Tpos gloomy ulet at around 8-10PM. Tuwing gabi ung mga mejo mas-intense..

^^ Be aware n ung mga moments sa pagitan ng mga 'gloomy hours' eh either neutral lang or happy/entertainment..

[ctan]

Anyway marv, aral na ako ulit. I wish you a happier life. And go see someone na professional to talk about your situation. I'm sure makakatulong yun. :-) God bless!

[marvinofthefaintsmile]

ok.